project 52, week 41

i am thankful for my allie girl.

my sweet souled little one.  she who is such a rule follower and tries so very hard to not make mistakes or upset anyone.  who is so sensitive herself and feels things so deeply in a way i don’t always understand.  who is wonderfully artistic and creative in a way that often amazes me.  who strives to be a friend to everybody.  who is self-motivated with a perfectionist streak.  who is kind-hearted, loyal, and honest.  who is so completely beautiful inside and out.

it has been a delight to watch her grow into the person God made her to be.

i love her in a way words cannot describe.

and i am still scared of parenting her.  terrified of letting her down in some way because i just don’t know how exactly to mommy daughters. 

i am so afraid of monumentally blowing it with this little daughter who is so different from myself.  questioning myself at every turn.  wondering what she is thinking in that little head of hers.  looking in to her eyes and realizing something i flippantly said hurt her.  desperately hoping that my feeble efforts to point her to Christ somehow offsets the many times i’ve been a stumbling block to her.  looking at my many failures and wishing i could have a do-over.

and in all of that recognizing yet again my own desperate need for grace.  seeing my hypocrisy in expecting them to be patient, kind, and loving at just the time i am being impatient, unkind, and irritated.  and shaking my head at it all.

so i cry out to my heavenly Father for forgiveness that i surely do not deserve yet again, and ask for patience, for wisdom, for direction, for instruction how to mother these little ones while i still feel lacking in my own un-mothered self every single day.

then amazingly, the undeserved forgiveness floods my soul and the still small voice reminds me that i am not alone in this and that this overwhelming parenting task does not sit solely on my shoulders.  this precious little one and her equally precious siblings, while having been inexplicably entrusted to me for a time, do not belong to me.  they are secure in the hands of a never-failing, perfectly wise, immensely loving Father who knows their path and who knows exactly how to get them there.

so i can breathe easy, go to her once again and ask for forgiveness, help her to see that we are all sinners in need of grace, and point her to the source of this never-ending grace.

then what i’m left with is an overwhelming thankfulness for it all.  for the forgiveness and grace from the Lord to start anew everyday, for the awesome privilege of being her mom, for this wonderfully joyous and utterly exhausting task of raising little ones, and for the moments to pause and see that He has, is, and always will be faithful all the way through this journey.

and so i pray that i don’t blow it again the next day all the while knowing that i will once again.

and so it continues.  forever trying to find the balance between trying to do my very best while resting in His grace.