Down Came the Rain

It’s raining pretty hard tonight. The dreary outside is matching my insides right now, too. Phil’s long work hours this week appear to be catching up to him. To me. To us both. After having worked a 24-hour shift the previous weekend and every day since, he had a 36-hour shift from Thursday morning to Friday night and is right back at it today on another 24-hour shift. And another 36-hour shift this coming Thursday. Would be nice if some of those hours included home-call, but no, not at his hospital. Those are all hours he is away and I am here holding down the fort. The kids are used to his being away but still ask when he’s coming home. I’m thankful they still ask and that we all still wish him home. I mentally count down the hours every time. These are the stretches when it begins to feel relentless. Isolating. Tiring. Oh so tiring.

I notice I become more short-tempered and easily frustrated with the kids in these long stretches when I’m on my own. And I hate that. I hate that the kids feel guilty or responsible for mommy’s tiredness. I hate the cutting words that slip out before I can push them back. But sometimes there’s just no end in sight when this is the career path he’s chosen and the life I agreed to join him on. And sometimes it’s all just so disheartening.

Feeling pretty defeated tonight. I go it alone, but I know I’m not alone. I know there is strength and peace and comfort and I have only to ask and my heavenly Father will answer. Yet sometimes I still struggle to remember that and insist on keeping my head down thinking I can just gut it out on my own. I don’t know why I still do that.

And so today. It started raining in the afternoon. My favorite way to enjoy the rain would be to curl up in bed with a book or just take a long nap with no other cares pressing down on me. But this is not my kids’ favorite way to enjoy the rain. Theirs is exactly the opposite. I knew what was coming the moment I heard the rain and their footsteps on the stairs up to my room.

The door burst open. “Mommy, it’s raining! Can we put on our rain boots and get our umbrellas and play outside in it?” “And can you come out and play with us, too?”

Every part of me wanted to say no. And every part of me knew I would immediately regret it if I did.

So I dragged myself up and said yes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This evening was no better either as I snapped at them for toys left out everywhere, for piano books that were left forgotten in a corner, for not listening, and on and on. Still feeling pretty low, but at least I said yes to that one request to enjoy the rain together.

 

“Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?” ~Anne Shirley

 

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23